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By dlgn
#193835
I had a previous thread for this, but I quit when the comments went past criticism and into outright meanness. I saw this in my Google Drive, since cog, fritter, and techno aren't here anymore, I figured I might as well continue it. So, here we go. Prepare for...the Intelli Saga!

Introduction: Boredom.

Once upon a time, there was a friendly* alien named Intelli. His mental capacity and intelligence were the greatest of anyone on the planet Interwebz--even anyone in the system of the star Irony Beta.

One day, Intelli sat in his beach chair on his lawn**, doing nothing. He tried to admire the remarkably polarized molecules that hung in front of him, but he gave up after 10 zahtmoks***. He tried writing poetry:

“The sky is yellow,
And molecules dance about,
But still I am bored.”

He sighed.

Just then, he got a call on his cell phone****. It was from his brother Psychi, a professor of psychology at the local university.

“Hey, Intelli.”
“Ohai, Psycho.”
“Whatcha doing?”
“What do I ever do? Sitting on my lawn, bored out of my mind but too lazy to move.”

Intelli heard a muffled snicker from the other end of the phone, but he wasn’t hungry.

“Listen,” said Psychi. “How’d you like to be able to just lie back and do nothing, but not be bored, and in fact take advantage of your extraordinary mental capacity?”

Intelli considered for a moment.

“Do I get potato chips?”
“Millions of them.”
“Be right there.”

Intelli hung up, and shouted to his sister. “Hey Rosesz! We’re going to the university!”


To Be Continued...

*Demented
*Experimental torture chamber
***A zahtmok is about 3.32 earth seconds.
****A phone made from energy cells. What, were you expecting something else?

Chapter One: Game

Intelli sat in the lobby and twiddled his tentacles.

"I thought Psychi said I wouldn't be bored," he grumbled.

"Calm down, Intelli," said Rosesz exasperatedly. "We've only been here half a clig*."
“He could have at least left me some potato chips,” fumed Intelli.
“I thought you said you weren’t hungry.”
“Your point?”

Rosesz groaned. Perhaps Intelli was the cleverest being on Interwebz, but he certainly wasn’t the most patient. Or easy to look after.

That was what Rosesz did, after all. Not that Intelli was stupid, or unable to take care of himself. But...

The pony incident**. Rosesz shuddered, and shook her head in an attempt to rid it of the horrible memory. Then she noticed a box sitting on the floor. She picked it up and put it on the table.

“What’s this?” asked Intelli, intrigued.

Rosesz shrugged.

Intelli peered into the box. “Ah, excellent.” He pulled out a sheet and scanned it. “It’s a game.”
“Language?”
“I don’t know, it doesn’t say. It just has the translation code***.”
“Well, what’s the game?”
Monopoly: The Fast-Dealing Property Trading Game,” Intelli read.
“You ever played it before?” asked Rosesz.
“Nope.” He scanned**** the rules.
“Hmm. Looks...not boring.” He handed the rules pamphlet to Rosesz. “Here. You read the rules. After all, I want you to have at least a slight chance of not immediately losing.”

As Rosesz looked through the rules, Intelli leaned back and listened to the anguished screams of the students. He might not have been a professor, but he certainly would have enjoyed part of the job.

“Okay, I’m done,” said Rosesz, dropping the pamphlet back into the box.
Intelli handed her the dice. “You go first,” he said.
“Oh? But don’t you want to have the slightest chance of not immediately losing?” Rosesz said mockingly.

Oh, this is on.

* * *

*A clig is 200 zahtmoks.
**You don’t want to know, you really don’t.
***A code that Intelli can scan with his SUPER ALIEN INTELLIGENCE POWERS and understand the language.
****Yeah, he can actually do that.

Chapter Two: Project

As his figurine landed on the Electric Company for the final time, Intelli silently made a resolution: he would never lose at monopoly again*. He then, of course, started complaining.

“That makes no sense!” he shouted at Rosesz’s smug grin. “Why would you be charged for sitting in an electrical power plant? Or be sent to jail for being lucky? What kind of disgusting society would make this kind of game?” Or, to be more clear,

“I’m addicted.”

“Ah, I see you found the monopoly game.” Psychi stepped out from behind a pillar. “Quite fascinating, isn’t it?”
“Fascinating? It’s unfair, random, and completely and utterly strange!”
Psychi picked up the board and dropped it back in the box. “As I said. Fascinating. A game can be quite a good way of studying a subject’s mentality, you know.” He waved a camera**. “This is one for the vault.”

Psychi had a vault full of disks***, all containing videos of various psychological studies. He said they amused him. “Looks like my victory will be recorded for all time,” Rosesz teased Intelli. Her smugness hadn’t worn off yet. Intelli took the alien equivalent of a deep breath, and ignored her.

“And that, Intelli, is what brings you here today.” Rosesz raised an eyebrow****. “Why am I here, then?” she asked. “To babysit Intelli,” Pyschi responded promptly. “I’m older than her!” Intelli exclaimed. They both ignored him.

“Anyway, Intelli, ask yourself. What kind of society would make that game?”
Intelli thought for a moment. “A society where balance is found necessary, yet all attempt to take anything they can, under any pretext.”

“Excellent. Here.” Psychi handed Intelli a small, round, object. A human might compare it to a gumball. Intelli popped it into his mouth and chewed it, savoring the taste.

“Interesting,” he said slowly (probably because he had a gumball in his mouth). “Very fascinating overview. What’s their overall social structure, though? How do they think? All this knowledge pod gives me is an extremely basic overview of their society, and a few petty things like population and country placement.”

“We don’t know.”
“What?” Intelli had never known Psychi to abandon a project. However, had it been in progress, Intelli doubted he would have seen it until it was finished. “And that, Intelli, is why you’re here.”

Intelli narrowed his eyes. “No,” he said suspiciously, “I’m here to not be bored and eat potato chips.” Psychi looked him up and down. “You aren’t hungry.” “So?” Psychi shook his head.

“You can eat potato chips on the trip. We’ll give you some provisions.”
“Trip?” Then he realized what Psychi wanted.
“You want me to figure it out for you, don’t you? You aren’t smart enough, so you want me to analyze them, view their social interactions, and send reports back!”
“Well, obviously. Why else would I bribe you with potato chips? It isn’t like we can just sprinkle salt on some tubers.” Then Psychi delivered his masterstroke. “At least, here we can’t.”

Intelli had a vision. Hundreds, thousands of potato chips. All his. He hadn’t really believed Psychi’s claim of having millions of them, but perhaps…

He swallowed the gumball, imagining the agony of a billion tortured students, then flipped the table and stood up. “When can I start?”

*Go easy on him. After all, do you always keep all your resolutions perfectly?
**Not that they’d call it a camera, and it might not be exactly what you think of when you hear the word “camera”, but to keep things simple, I’m using a name we petty earthlings can understand.
***See previous note.
****Or did the alien equivalent of it. You get the idea? Good. From now on, just act like this note is attached to anything you find objectionable.

~dlgn
long long title how many chars? lets see 123 ok more? yes 60

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